Thursday, February 5, 2015

When I Need Grace.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you" 
(1 Peter 5:6-7)

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions for me, both good and bad.

One of my friends was hospitalized.

A few days later another one of my friends messaged me to tell me she’s engaged.

I’ve been trying to process and keep up with everything while in the meantime I've been exhausted, haven’t been sleeping well and my joints have decided to somewhat revolt against me.

I have bad joints. They get easily irritated and inflamed, especially when the pressure changes. And in Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plains, the pressure changes here pretty frequently and inconsistently. I also haven’t been sleeping well and when I don’t get a lot of rest; my joints decide they want to be even more creaky and cranky than usual. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle that makes for long days and sometimes long weeks.

This month has consisted of a lot more long days than I anticipated. I wake up in the middle of the night. I have bad dreams. I’m tired in the morning. I’m absentminded at work and make stupid mistakes. I forget to wash the dishes and vacuum the carpet when I get home. Some days I forget to eat. And then to top it off, I’m constantly kicking myself for not getting my act together.

I feel bad for whining because I know that a lot of people are a lot worse off than I am. My pain isn’t that severe. Most days I’m not really in pain at all. Part of me didn’t want to write this post because I realize how pathetic I sound and how much people probably do not want to read about this. But then I asked myself, “Why do I feel like I should only write about the good things in life? Why am I constantly trying to maintain this upbeat happy-go-lucky image of myself?”

The truth is I am a pretty positive person for the most part. It doesn’t take much to make me happy and take me from a despondent mood to a brighter one. However, I do have days, I have weeks even, when it feels like I’m living under a cloud and I’m not entirely sure why.

Sometimes it’s pain. Sometimes it’s sorrow. Sometimes it’s exhaustion. Sometimes it’s a combination of all of the above. But sometimes there’s no explanation. I feel miserable and I’m not sure why.

My struggle is to push through during times like this. Take this blog, for instance. I have a bad week and I decide, “I don’t want to write. I can’t write when I feel like this. Nobody wants to read about this anyway, as if the world needs another disgruntled young adult whining about her first world problems on the internet.” But then I thought, maybe people do need to hear about this.

After all, I’m not a perfect person and I don’t want to pretend to be.

I don’t want to talk about grace and then turn around and pretend that I don’t need it. And if nobody sees the young woman who gets frustrated at God and unloving toward the people around her just because she’s having a bad day, if nobody sees how easily discontented I become for no reason, if nobody sees my shortsightedness, my selfishness and my insufficiency, then no one is going to see God’s grace.

The evidence of God's love and faithfulness is not found in the absence of my need. Rather, it exists in the midst of our sin, reaching into our deepest depravity and stretching far above us into the glory and righteousness of our Savior.

The question is, are we willing to humble ourselves before the Lord? And are we willing to be honest about our humility and our need with others, to the praise of His glorious grace?

4 comments :

  1. Mm. This really challenged me - I find it very easy to slip into a pattern of portraying a "perfect" life online, when in reality I do not have it all together (in fact, I have very little together). Like you, I refrain from sharing what isn't beautiful because who wants to read that? But you're right: who am I to try to share the grace of the Lord if I think I don't need it?

    Thanks for another honest, thought-provoking post. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome! Thank you for the encouragement. I need to write more posts like this one and having the support of friends and readers makes it a little less daunting. God bless! :)

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