Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Words I Need to Say

At Granmutti's Farm Fall of 2011
There are things I never knew I would miss about you, like hearing your stories about summer encampment, classes, projects—I never hear your stories anymore. I miss jumping on your bed on weekend mornings to wake you up, pulling off the covers in spite of your protests, calling you "Bennie" even though you hated that nickname. I miss the days when the parents were out of town and we siblings ruled the house; we turned the music up loud and made an event out of cooking dinner. I miss our drives into campus in the early mornings, listening to the top 40 songs and discussing how creepy all the lyrics sounded when taken literally, when you would sit down next to me while I was practicing the piano and stare at my fingers or belt along in your operatic voice if it was a song you knew, when you would come to me with the electric razor and ask me to inspect/touch-up your hair, when you would watch me apply my mascara in the morning and exclaim how “you didn’t know how girls did it” as if it took some kind of magic to apply make-up, when you would put your arm protectively around me whenever we went shopping in Wal-Mart to ward off any young men who might “get any ideas”. I miss your sense of humor and the way you could make me laugh all the time. I miss all our inside jokes. To this day, no one makes me laugh as much as you did. I miss the way you would lecture me for not checking the oil in the car and how I was stupid with cars in general. I miss staying up late at night, arguing about nothing, or simply talking through life. I miss you now. I miss you when I see my two younger brothers and I find myself wishing I could see all three of you standing next to each other. I miss you when I remember the age gap between me and Greg and suddenly I feel so inadequate and I know no one in the world could ever, ever replace you. I miss your bright brown eyes, the only one in the family with Papa’s eyes. I miss you every time I donate blood, whenever I see something or hear something I know would make you laugh, whenever I hear someone crack a joke just like you might or gesture with their hands the way you would while talking. I miss you whenever I hold my nephew and niece because I know you are not missing these moments, but that they miss you right now even if they do not know it. I miss you in every beautiful moment, every family gathering, and every holiday, every time I am overwhelmed with joy and yet the nagging sensation that something is missing remains.  

8 comments :

  1. Hi Dani, I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you!!

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  2. Dani, as I have not followed you for very long, I am just learning of the loss of your dear brother, Benjamin. Although my heart is breaking as I read your words, I have to say that being able to write about him so beautifully has blessed my heart...I have read each post that you have written about him. God has surely blessed you with this gift and you may never know how He may be using these posts to comfort and encourage others who have lost a loved one. Life does go on...even though, like the title of your blog says, we are but a vapor in the wind. God bless you.

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  3. This brought tears to my eyes. It must be so hard to miss him. Praying the Lord will continue to comfort you.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your prayers and words, Bethany!

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